I remember when I was in high school. I was in charge of a debate tournament, and we needed all the judges to make their decisions about the last round so we could set the match-ups for the next round. We were missing one ballot. So I go to the judges lounge to find the judge. It’s a woman. She’s an elementary school. I gently ask her if I can take her ballot from her and deliver it to my coach, who was freaking out.

She said, “I can’t decide. They were both so good.”

So I started trying to give her some guidance about different ways of assessing the competitors, but she cuts me off and says, “I’m a second grade teacher. If this were happening in my classroom, everyone would win!”

Is it fucked up for me to think that’s fucked up?

Anyway, here’s a guy who preached the truth. If Bill Hicks were still here, he’d say, “Your children are not special.”

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↓ Transcript
Panel 1. TV is standing there with a heavy set guy who buttons his shirt up too far.
Guy: Howdy! What did you learn at school today.
TV: Today, the teacher taught us that everyone is special.

Panel 2.
Guy: That doesn't make sense. How can everyone be "special." That's like, the opposite of special.

Panel 3.
TV: I know! I said, "What about my friend Ron? He's a fat dummy with no job."

Panel 4.
TV: She said, "But I bet no one can be a fat dummy with no job quite like Ron, right?" But I don't know...
Guy: Yeah, I think Ron does it pretty much the same way my wife does.